Friendship, Friendtrain, Friendplane, Friendsplain.
"One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." Proverbs 18:24
When I was a kid, when my dad would give us his long speeches with spit accumulating in the corners of his mouth, he would always seem to get around to his viewpoint about friends, saying, “You guys have 50 million friends,” he would be pacing back and forth like a drill Sargent with us five boys sitting in a row of dining chairs arranged to one side of the table like the last supper, except our chairs were facing outward. “When I was your age,” my dad was born in 1960, “I had maybe two friends, and today, I have zero. You guys put too much importance in your friends. You’re always worried about what your friends are doing or what they are saying. Well, you guys need to start thinking, and listen to me.” Spit would be garnering mass in the corners of his lips, each word adding more to the amassing snow-white ball, as if it were coming down to us from the mountain top.
Maybe he was right. At 38 years old, I’m not convinced either way. In a world where few need each other to survive, a trusting and lasting friendship is something I have yet to come across. Despite all my faults, I come running for my friends. I’ve always put them first, in some self-medicating way, and have even gone so far, on the majority of cases, to disregard my own needs completely. To shut up and keep my feelings and thoughts to myself. To assume the position in the other person’s hierarchy of needs and accept it.
This isn’t to say I’m a good friend, because I’m not. In retrospect, I use friendships to help make me feel better. I’m not so certain everyone isn’t doing this on some level, especially in a world where relying on each other is non-existent. In the scripture above, I could easily be on either side of that coin. The unreliable friend, or the friend who comes to ruin.
Who is the friend that sticks closer than a brother? I often wonder where is this human, this counterpart, this partner, this Sancho Panza I am looking for? But the more I ponder the scripture, the friend is Jesus. There is a friend in Jesus. The story behind Norman Greenburg’s hit song Spirit In The Sky is a great way to feel the magic in the words “friend in Jesus”.
After all, is there truly a human who could stick closer than a brother? I don’t think so. The biological ties between two people born of the same parents binds those humans so closely, the only answer to the proverb above is to find a friend outside this physical world. A spirit friend. This verse from John 15: `I will send the true Spirit to comfort you. He will come from my Father. When he comes, then he will talk about me.”
Praying for more wisdom is often the only remedy to the paradox of human connections. I have tried many ways over the years to quell this aching in my heart, this hot stone of weight in my stomach, and I have found no human comes even close to aiding in my understanding of self and this world. So it must be something ethereal. There are some Buddhist proverbs in the Dhammapada that seem to explain many of the catch 22s in this life.
It’s so difficult to tell if I am the unreliable friend or the one in ruin. It seems to me both friends in this example are doomed. Both positions are equally ‘bad’. So maybe no friends is the way to go after all. That the only friend in this world, the only thing that can be trusted more than a brother, is a being not of this world.
But having no friends seems to go against the nature of being human, but then again if you read a litter further back in John 15, it points out he who is celebrated by others is of this world and so not of the spirit, I’m paraphrasing. The more I ponder this the more I can clearly see friendship is something very devalued and something I have bestowed on anyone willing to pass my way. Love and kindness, yes, should be granted to all, but friendship? The full disclosure of thoughts and the sharing of resources along with the mutual support of growth are qualities I associate with friendship. When I take on a new friend, I can’t help but think and dream of their greatest desires with them. I can’t help but to want what they want for them and, of course for myself. It is often the common interest in something, or the common job that brings me in contact with others. So it’s easy to call someone I just met a friend.
This causes conflict eventually. When my efforts go unreturned or unnoticed, or when I am being the unreliable friend to another, conflict insues. In The Celestine Prophecy, these conflicts were described as struggles for power and control of an energy force we all need. When two people are in conflict in the book, a bystander can see the energy flow between the two people and notice the struggle for each of them to dominate the other and force a submission of some sort. It went on to describe situations where one individual pours too much of their energy into another and then when they are depleted due to lack of reciprocation, they act out and try to reclaim some of their energy they’ve given away.
The super interesting thing about this is the explanation of a cyclical and negative pattern of energy exchange, with distinct and very obvious categories of what the book called “Behavior Dramas”. People were divided up into four categories: aggressors, Interrogators, Aloof people, and Woe-is-me-victims, and each category kind of corresponded with another in perpetual conflict. The interrogators create the aloof people, but the aloof people also create the interrogators. Another catch 22.
It’s easy to feel like I’m in the right. That everyone has done me wrong. That’s my behavior drama. I can list out all the wrongs done against me in no time flat, and I used to keep it all bottled up in a sort of list of grievances. When things weigh heavy on your heart and mind there is no way to get rid of it, and for me without some spiritual direction, I harbored many feelings of resentment and inferiority for years, especially in friendships I engaged in, and in retrospect was seeking, something to fill the hole I felt for fucking up so bad in school, with my parents, my brothers and with any childhood or high school friends. So what to do when conflict arises?
If there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother (an ethereal spirit friend), then any worldly friend should be at least like a brother. The funny thing about having ears to hear is none of these scriptures made sense to me in my past. I could open the Bible a hundred times and try to read and nothing would go in. This is partly the reason I have strong faith today. My ears that hear are hearing. It’s ongoing and I can feel the growth within me while studying the word. In the book of Matthew chapter 18 it says, “Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as a heathen man and a tax collector.”
There’s a lot to unpack here, but the ultimate is to confront your friend and brother with the problems that arise in your heart. With the conflict of humanness and uncertainty there will always be girvances against you and from you against your brother. If you hear each other then you will each gain a brother, or someone to trust and someone on this Earth that could be an ally. Anyone who loves me, listens to me, and wants the best for me. If I have a grievance with them, they are open to me about it. The same goes the other way, although taking criticism is very difficult and I don’t regularly appreciate hearing things about my negative qualities, but if I love the person enough, I will listen, and try to change. That’s how I know those that truly love me will do the same. It’s also important to present opportunities for those who have trespassed against you a way to right the wrong. Forgiveness is more important and must come first, but forgiveness alone is self-serving, and if you do not offer an opportunity to repay the fault, you are at risk of re-harboring the hate in your heart, remembering the fault and calling back to it. In the same breath it is imperative those who trespass against another attempt to right the wrong in some tangible way, to clear the slate, so to speak.
I think the second part of this scripture from Matthew is saying to bring others who have also experienced the trespass and show them it is not just you who feel this way. It’s important to demonstrate the grievance isn’t subjective and adding any amount of ‘objective truth’ to your accusation wll help ground everyone involved. This shows their behavior and your claim of a trespass are supported outside just your mind. Very important.
I can’t help but love the wisdom of the last line. If all else fails, treat the person like a heathen man and a tax collector. In this since a heathen is simply a person who has no belief or faith. And how do you treat a tax collector or an atheist? With compassion, with love. Attempt to right any wrongs presented to you in the conflict, be slow to speak and quick to listen. All very difficult things to do and I fail at them miserably, and a lot, but they are achievable. To have compassion for the other, to empathize with them and see their way as separate to yours and let go. Attempt to right the wrongs, to clear the air and to forgive and apologize, and then let go. The river of life is an easy float if we go with the flow.
As for now, I’m only a few years into an attempt at right living. It doesn't surprise me I’ve wronged people along the way or that people are still angry with me. I’m just thankful I’ve never committed any violence or harm to anyone. All my trials and tribulations have been verbal conflicts and battles of emotional manipulation, or some fantasy from The Outsiders I played out during my shoplifting and years of petty theft inspired by the great Two-Bit “famous for shoplifting and his black-handled switchblade”.
I’m grateful for that. I’ve been in a few fights, but nothing too-too serious. It’s the James Allen book As a Man Thinketh, which I reference often, that began to change me. His words suggest my plight in life is actually due to my inability to be good. That right living and right thinking leads to right action and right action leads to a good life. It’s hard to admit, but the more prosperous I grow and the more security I have in life is proof of these principals and is a direct reflection of my effort to actually be good. I mean, I am one of very few people on Earth I know who can survive and has no boss.
At this stage in my life, I’m in a “limit my exposure” phase, where I feel less contact with others is better, as I am still not super in control of my tongue. I am attempting to right old wrongs, and establish boundaries where they are needed. The main thing is I feel ok heading on down the river and letting go of some of the things I’ve been holding on to. In 2016 when forced by the judge to attend AA meetings, I was introduced to many people attempting some of these same things. It was eye opening. My dwi really did wake me up. There’s a great line in a recent Nathanial Rateliff song “Your standing out on a ledge/with no way to get down/you start praying for wings to grow/baby just let go.”
It’s important to pray and act in the right direction. Praying for wings is praying for an ability to get yourself off the cliff in a way that is humanly imaginable. Letting go is the way seemingly leading toward death, but at the same time it is the only path allowing spirit to act.